The Weirdest Person I Ever Worked For

By Christian Georgescu

This "person" is an entire company and it's respective mentality.

First day in, I was shown to my desk. I put down my stuff and settled in. But I couldn't settle in. I didn't feel comfortable there. Something was off. The chair didn't fit, the table was the wrong height, the monitor hurt my eyes. I was like goldilocks, only I never found my "just right".

Even that wasnt right; I wasn't "Goldilocks" I was "Alice in Wonderland." Stepping into that office was like stepping into a rabbit hole in the year 2008 and coming out the other end in 1988. Literally. The furniture was old and stained. The cubicles made of wood and held together with tape. The office chairs actually were the industry standard. In 1988. Now they were blotched as if with poop stains or someone dropped roastbeef slabs without bothering to clean up, just let the sauce dry in. There were huge water stains on the cubicle walls, stains on the puke green office carpets. The chair mats were cracked so chairs couldn't roll properly. Call them office pot holes. Computer monitors were the old CRT flickering kind, huge masses atop little desks from the 80's; which weren't fitted for computers.

Cubicles were undersized so Alice bumped into things, scuffed her shoes, hunched over.

Then I went to the Office Supply Closet, where I was told in exact words - "Rummage in there and get what ya need." This was the Land of Misfit Office Supplies; staplers, paper clips, pens, pencils gave me forlorn looks begged to be rescued. I couldn't take them all, I saved what I could and humanely euthanized the rest.

We were referred to as "secretaries", reporting to wannabe Alpha males. When lunch came, the secretary would lay it out on a plate, with cutlery, pour beverages and serve the men. Then clean up after the men. Secretaries had the old CRT monitors, yet all the men had the new flat screens.

The two secs who sat closest to me, I'll call Grumpy and Giggles. Grumpy went around with 'F' this and 'F' that, 'What is this Sh..', 'Oh F this Sh..', 'Who needs this F'n Sh...e had been with the company 16 years and was untouchable. Literally, no one came near her. Which meant her people would give me stuff to do because they were afraid of her.

Giggles had a heart of gold but well...giggled at everything. She told of harrowing, painful experiences...giggling.

Once you slid through the rabbit hole there was no contact with the outside world.

The staff pantry was stocked with all sorts of goodies. Want a snack? How'bout a KitKatsnickerstwixalmondjoym&m3muskateersmoundsorbitwrigleysjuicyfruitjollyranchers. How'bout LaysWisePringlespretzelspopcornbalancebarsoatmealyogurtcottagecheesewholegrain? Or maybe coffeeteacappucinoespresscokepepsidetcokesnappledietsnapplepomgingeralewater?

Actually, the EVP gets Fiji you're allowed Poland Spring.

Everything was old and outdated but the coffee maker was StarWarsian; vintage 25th and a halfth century, signature Duck Dodgers while maintaining a Darth Vaderesque appearance.

Proprietary lines of productivity were blurred and crossed out altogether. Somone else's assistant booked flights for my guy, I booked a hotel for someone else's guy and the temp booked the rental car. No wait change that, meeting scrapped. Can the janitor cancel the hotel reservations? I went to get the janitor and returned to find the plant guy at my desk; scheduling a meeting for the VP. Please ask the shoe shine girl to make copies for the accounting firm auditing the company. Can the intern do expenses for the CEO?

Well, I thought coming from 20 years in the future, maybe I was too forward, too modern. Maybe I came across as too hoity-toity with my high fallutin' ideas of male-female equality and modernization.

So I decided to join 'em, be a classic girl. I went shopping. Came in wearing designer suit jackets with pencil thin skirts (to cover my bruised knees) and classy high heels. Hair and makeup done professionally at Saks. No one noticed.

And I'm a dude.